Relationship Stuff


Me and My soulmate, 2015

My journey into all things relationships and intimacy was being sexually assaulted, then getting into “relationships” with guys who just wanted to “use me” for what they could get outta me. I never heard the words, “I love you” till my first husband, and that quickly turned to “I cant do this anymore.” The next guy after my ex-husband had a habit of telling me a bunch of nice things about me, right before he told me even more bad things about myself.

So when i moved to Colorado, it was to start over, get away from the “baby daddy drama” and the sadness, the trauma and all the things weighing me down in life. To be able to breathe and figure out how to take care of me and my kiddos my way, I was never really looking to find someone new to be in my life. That’s just what happens sometimes. So here is the part of this love story where i always tend to come across like i am justifying something that i don’t need to justify. My ex-husband had family in Colorado, so that was a factor in me going there because i would know someone. His sister’s house was full, so she recommended that i stay with her son. I had never really met him, my kids had never really met him. He was living in Denver and was going through a divorce. We became close real fast, we just got each other. He was the first person i had had so many of the right things in common with. I am not a fairy tale person, never have been, but in this situation it really was a love at first sight kind of thing. I have heard it all, “he is your kids cousin” “He is your ex’s nephew” “That’s like your relative.” I always felt a bit like i needed to have ways to justify our relationship, but i don’t, you can’t help who you love. You can’t help who you are meant to be with. That’s it. My kids never spent time with him as a cousin, they only know him as Dad. They are old enough to be aware of the relationship they should have with him, but they don’t care, that’s Dad. At first there was a lot of opinions and those unsure if they could support us, but eventually people saw how happy we were together and just went with it.

Eventually, we decided to move out of Colorado back to California. My Ex and I were having issues deciding what should happen with the kids and since my custody was in California, I didn’t want to make a mess of that. My now husband, Ryan, was eager to start a new adventure, so in September, we moved back to California and moved into my parents place. As it turned out, i needed to be there to help take care of my father who got ill again shortly after we moved back in. Ryan, got a job almost immediately and we started enjoying life. My birthday is the day after Valentines day, so he took me out for a a combo Love/Birthday day celebration on Valentines day, we drove to the beach. He took me to a very specific spot, walked down to the water, we sat down on some rocks on a ledge stared over into the gorgeous ocean and as the sun set, he turned to me and said, “I have your birthday present, but it comes with a question.” Then pulled out a ring and proposed to me. Before he could finish the question i said “yes!” It was just him and I, it was in one of my favorite places in the whole world. The beach has always been my happy place. It was a perfect moment.

We decided to get married two months down the road, keep it simple. Neither of us needed or wanted a giant affair. I had this amazing idea to ask my Auntie if we could get married in her backyard. I grew up spending a lot of time at my Auntie and Uncka’s, their backyard is really rather lovely, and on the larger side. It’s always been a special place for me and of course they obliged and the venue and date were set. It was a smaller number of people, we kept everything very low key. I made a lot of the decorations and my mom made my bouquet. I found the perfect simple bohemian white dress at Target. My youngest son and daughter were the ring bearer and flower girl, my oldest son walked me down the aisle. It was the perfect, most romantic day. I think about it often.

This last April we celebrated four years of marriage and man has it been a roller coaster ride. We have had so many good times together and of course the usual marriage struggles. We certainly aren’t any better then anyone else out there. Our relationship is work just like everyone else. He took on a lot when we got together, he didn’t just get me, he immediately became a father of three kids. Eventually he started to fully understand the things that i had been through in life and how it caused my depression, anxiety and PTSD to really affect me and us. Being the significant other of someone who has been through sexual abuse or abuse of any kind, is definitely a bit more complicated then just being in a relationship without all that extra stuff. I always applaud him for being so strong and loving and supportive through it all.  I too have had to help him through the number his ex-wife put him through. She left him a few times before he finally said no more. It has caused him to always worry that i am going to leave him. He also has some insecurities that he is learning to overcome. Despite all the ups and downs, there is no one else in this whole world that i would rather take this journey with. He is my soulmate.