Bet You Would Be Shocked To Know..

Depression and anxiety are very real daily struggles for me. Part of it is being predisposed genetically, all of the women on my mom’s side of the family struggle with some form of depression. The other part of it is from PTSD, or traumatic events that i went through during adolescents. My family life wasn’t always happy and pleasant, there was quite a lot of arguing between my parents, things felt really unstable a lot of the time and that wasnt helpful as i was navigating adolescents. I have been in and out of therapy my whole life, tried a lot of different types of antidepressants (I hate taking medications, plus there is always a side effect that’s worse then the depression for me.) The bottom line is that it is just part of who i am. I am depression and crippling anxiety.. my therapist would be so mad at me for identifying myself like that. It’s how i feel though.

Funny enough, most the people i know wouldn’t even think that i deal with any of the things that i do. I have gotten really good at “smiling” and “being happy” in other peoples presence. I don’t like to talk about all the emotions that are drowning me, the struggle to get out of bed and continue existing, the major feelings of insecurity and not being able to trust people, all the fears i have. The guilt that is crushing me because of all the valuable time I have missed out on from these feelings and this fog. We all have our struggles and things that we deal with, so why am I in any way more entitled to feel the need to complain about what i struggle with? Besides,  I am the person that most people I know come to and confide their issues in. I am a good listener and good at helping people navigate through their difficulties. I like it even, its why I have chosen the career path I have.

It’s always easier to help others through their issues, tell them to not give up, they will get through this. When it’s time to look in the mirror and tell yourself those same things, and have hope for a time that you will feel “normal” its much harder. At this point, after this many years, it’s less a matter of believing it will pass soon and more an issue of do i even care if it ever does pass. My life has been a lot of instability, I have always lived on a rocky foundation, afraid of things shifting, my world crumbling again, people leaving me. As much as I hate it, there starts to be some sort of stability and comfort in the feelings of my depression and anxiety.  You start to wonder if you just need to make peace with it and do the best you can around it. Maybe this is the real me whose been fighting so hard to get out all these years.

I cant be the only one in the world that feels this way? Maybe i am, it wouldn’t really surprise me if i was. I have been trying to fight my way out of an abyss for a little more then a month now. Things start to ease up and I start to step outta the darkness, something happens, and I lose my footing and slide right back in. Life has not been super easy lately and so the struggle has been a little more lately. I will get out of it, I always do. I will “shake it off” and be ok for a little while before it pulls me back in. That’s my cycle.

The point of this post was not only to talk about what i deal with, but to talk about that even after all these years and all the advancements in society and technology, the lack of awareness to mental health issue is still pretty substantial and mental health issues are very much mocked or passed over. Eye’s roll and I get told, “shake it off” “nothing is ever really THAT bad” like I am actively choosing to have these feelings on a regular basis. I mean I get some people do it temporarily for attention but to be someone who struggles with it daily, who would chose to deal with this on a chronic basis. I wake up everyday, look in the mirror and tell myself, “today, we ARE going to be happy.” It doesn’t always work, because the facts are, depression isn’t always mind over matter, sometimes its biology. I am predisposed for a chemical imbalance that causes it. I can take medication to make it better, but I have struggled for many years to find one that doesn’t cause me major other side effects. Interestingly enough, I think those of us who deal with mental health issues would benefit most from people just simply being more open minded and supportive. If we didn’t feel like we needed to hide what we deal with or ourselves when we were dealing with our moments of mental illness, then maybe we could make progress.  For now, we are here, and I will deal with this as I always have….


Family Vacation

So it is summer vacation! Time to unbury the suitcases, do seventy loads of laundry, make four different lists for packing, spend two days planning, some odd hours of traveling to get to a the hotel and realize you forgot the one thing you really needed. We just did this, the husband was off on a business trip, so the kids and i packed up for four days of fun, then headed off to Reno, Nevada. Thursday was all about relaxing, swimming, and exploring. Friday my sister, brother-in-law and nephew arrived. Then Friday night the hubby joined us. Then the fun really began. Go karts, glow in the dark mini golf, endless hours of arcade games at Circus Circus, swimming at the hotel, wandering around exploring. We ended it with a trip to Boomtown on our way out of town, breakfast then two hours of arcade games. Two hours of Sunday traffic down the mountain and we were home. It was really a very nice vacation. The kids impressed me and interacted with everyone, left their device time to the evenings when they were laying down, followed bedtime rules, and were generally pleasant to be around.  All in all it was a success and I am so happy to have the memories that i got from this trip. I am very aware that my kids are getting older right before my very eyes. Within the next five years they will all be off doing their own thing and I will have trips like this to remember forever.

Me Stuff

It’s been a while

So let me be honest, I sometimes have a hard time maintaining my writing. I have about ten unfinished stories i have been writing for about 20 years. I started this blog in 2018, was good at making a few days posts and then poof! It’s my goal to try and overcome that. So please bear with me. As well as, I want to add in some photography with this blog now. I have gotten really into my photography. I thought this would be a good place to share that. I changed the name… this one feels more like me, An Insomniacs Mind…. that’s me. Most of the time i write, it is absolutely in the middle of the night, when the house is quiet, no more people asking me questions or to get them things. Plus, i rarely lay down and fall asleep until 2 am or later. It’s just how it usually goes. Sometimes i fall asleep within thirty minutes, but then wake up after a couple hours and cant go back to sleep. I have tried many different remedies, not a whole lot works. So for now, therapy, self-care routine, writing, journaling, those are my things to get me through.

Ok, lets play a bit of catch up. It’s 3:15 am and i have a busy day today, so probably not gonna be a long one this time. I graduated from my Bachelors program in April 2019, and now i am in my Masters of Arts of Psychology program. I am only in my first week of my second class right now, but i am loving it. Very challenging, but i am finding that is good for me these days. Once that program is done then i am onto my licensing stuff. Not sure what that all entails just yet, but i know its still a journey. Looking forward to sharing that with you all. What else, the husband and I are still amazing, work has been stressful for him lately, a lot more traveling and things. We bought a Camper trailer a few months back..my new favorite hobby!! I love spending time with my husband and kiddos out there in nature. It is also a great place to practice my other new hobby, photography. It’s something i have always wanted to do, and my awesome husband got me an amazing camera set up for my birthday/valentines day (my birthday is the day after Valentines Day) Then my parents, not knowing what my husband had bought me, also got me a different camera set up for my birthday. SO now i have two really nice cameras and accessories. Right now I have been focusing on scenery and animals around town. It’s really relaxing and actually helps with my anxiety when we travel places. I get to be passenger and focus on what i want to snap pictures of rather then my anxiety.

What else, my kiddos are all getting bigger now; 15, 13 and 12. Its the terrible teen years lol and let me tell you, they are all testing me properly. It is always a bit difficult when your kids are part of a divided family household. My ex husband and I don’t tend to agree on much of anything. So our parenting styles between the two households is very different. I tend to be a bit more structured and strict, and my ex’s house is less of those things. I would love it if we could get on the same page, even if it was a little of both our parenting styles mixed up and split down the middle, but sometimes you just have to chose your battles and let things go. The kids have been on a schooling journey the last couple years. We pulled them from public school to home-school a couple years ago, as i mentioned in another post. It didnt work out for us because i am not a teacher and creating, teaching and grading three different grade levels of work was just a bit too much for me. At the time i was also watching my newborn nephew everyday, so that just added to things. I put them into a Charter school program and that seemed to work out a lot better at first, but i still had my hesitations. So we did that for two school years, and now, my ex and i have decided that these kiddos need to get back to public school. So i am in the process of getting the younger two enrolled into the middle school and my oldest into high school. My nephew is in daycare/school now also, so i can make the journey back into the work world, more on that another time.

Anyways, not a whole lot else i can think to write about tonight. There is of course SO much more to talk about at other times. But this journey is just beginning.

Good night/morning everyone.



So i have been juggling around ideas in my head all day of the next thing that i want to blog about, ya know keep the momentum going. However, its been such a busy, insane day, that now all i want to do is sleep and not overuse my mind. I watched my nephew, cleaned my house, did laundry, made sure the kids got bathed, we did dinner, game night and then i walked over a mile on the treadmill, took a shower, did some homework and now im just stopping by here to jot some final thoughts down for the night. I have all these thoughts but i cant seem to put anything in order. So for tonight, i am going to just simply say, there is more to come, but this girl is very tired, and i think i can ACTUALLY sleep tonight. Good night too all and i hope that you get some rest.



I just want the happy back

Seriously, I wonder what we have become. When i was younger, I remember that my sister and I would hang out with our friends, riding bikes all over the neighborhood, we just have to be home before it got dark. We spent more hours outside because its all we really had to do. There was no computers, PlayStation, Xbox’s, iPad or cellphones. There was sidewalk chalk, jump ropes, bicycles, our friends and our imaginations. If we were hanging out inside because it was raining then we were watching movies, reading or doing chores around the house. If it was too hot outside, you still went outside, turned on the water hose and had a blast in the water for a few hours. There really wasnt a need for eagles eye’d parents, they would occasionally pass by the front window and make sure everyone was there and not bleeding.  These days, it’s the complete opposite, kids don’t ever really wanna leave the comfort of the couch or their devices, friends are those people they play with at school only, or talk to over the IPhone/IPad or PS4/Xbox. You wouldn’t dare let your kids play outside by themselves. Don’t even get me started on the fear of simply sending our kids to school these day. I currently have a child going into her last year of elementary, one in his first year of middle school and one going into his first year of high school. It terrify s me, I briefly did home school for this last school year but it just wasnt for us. Putting together three different curriculum for three different grades was a lot of work. Teachers really don’t get enough credit for what they do people!!! Remember that!! Anyways, so we moved to a program, a charter program, the kids go to school two days a week. They are home three days a week with a packet from their teacher with some independent study work. It has worked for us this last school year, however, i don’t know if it’s going to continue to be a good fit for us. I just think of all the things they are missing out on not being in a regular school everyday.  These are the times when being the a parent is really just so overwhelming, you have to make the exact best decision for your children and the outcome also lays on your shoulders. Its really a lot sometimes, but we shall see what happens as the next school years unfolds.

ok, Ive drifted off my point, I get to thinking about the world my kids are growing up in and it just makes me sad sometimes. I wish that they could be in a similar world like what i grew up in. Anyways, my point is this, i am that person in public that always smiles, says “hello”, “have a good day”, “excuse me”, “oh i am sorry”  (even if its not my fault.) I am the person who will stop and let you walk right in front of me, when i clearly was there first. Or will let you pull outta your spot in the parking lot, even if it would be easier for me go behind you real quick and get outta your way. I am the person who still has faith that we are a kind and compassionate society somewhere deep under the negativity, criticism, and selfishness. I want to be in a world were block parties still happen, where people still hold the door open for each other, stop and smile and exchange pleasantries with each other, even if you don’t know them. Where patience and compassion are just common sense and everyday. Where you don’t look at someone and see a black person who MUST be a gangster or up to no good, or a person of Indian decent who MUST be a bomber or planning an attack on us. I don’t look at people like that. I don’t care whether you are black, white, purple, polka dotted, fat, or skinny. I care if you smile back at me and say hi. I care if you look like you need a hug or an “are you ok?.” I care about people, not race, size, religious view, gender or anything else. I just care about people and i miss the world were we all remembered this is one big, beautiful melting pot of a world. We are all here trying to accomplish the same thing, live our lives as best as we can, with our loved ones, making the most out of all the opportunities this world has to offer us. I’ve dated many different races of people, my children happen to be mixed children  (quarter Japanese, quarter Mexican). I am the first person to stand up for anyone who is being unfairly treated for any reason. I have no tolerance with any sort of ism, sex-ism, race-ism, or any other prejudice.

Look, I have anxiety, bad, most days i struggle to get myself up and out the door to go into the world. I have to talk myself through a quick trip to the store. Its ridiculous cause it never used to be that way, but between the massive increase of people in each state in this country and the ever growing negative moods of those people, its not a pleasant experience for me to go out in public alone, then when you add three kids trailing behind me everywhere, it just makes for a very overwhelming experience.

I know a lot of people think that i am ridiculous for wishing that things were even a little like they used to be. I always hear that we are too far past that point now, people are so wrapped up in their own views that they could never “pull their heads outta their asses” to do it that way again. I suppose in some ways i see that, people are holding very tightly onto their opinions these days. They are willing to argue to the death to make sure you see their point and even maybe agree with them. Very few are willing to be open minded and try and see other peoples opinions. So i ask, what would it take? Really. To get us all back to the melting pot mentality. As corny as it sounds, what can be done so that we all just get along? I just want to get back to nicer, happier, less hostile days. Is that really such a bad thing to want?


Good Evening!

For a while now i have wanted to use some forum to speak the things that are on my mind. I attempted a vlog, but i am not really comfortable in front of the camera, so this seemed like an easier way to go about that.

I am Kelly, 36 yeats old, married to my best friend and soulmate for the last 3 beautiful years. I was married once before him, to someone ill talk about later. From that first marriage, I had three kids. They are currently, 14, 12 and 11 years old. The first two are boys and my baby is a girl. I love my children with all my heart and i will talk about them a lot, that i promise! Lol  I am currently in school to get my BA in Psychology, although i am not really sure what i plan to do with my degree once i am done. I deal with Anxiety and Depression and have most of my life. I love baking, cooking, writing, and going for drives and adventures with my husband and kids. My life is good and i am lucky, but as with most people, i can always find things to be stressed out about. I am in therapy, and i have my days i struggle for sure. Thats kind of what this blog is all about, sorting through the thoughts in my head, talking about things i dont really feel like i can talk about with anyone else. Its a place for me to put my thoughts on paper and then walk away. If i dont want to read what people have to say about it then i wont. If i am maybe in need of some opinions or thoughts then i will.

So, I hope that people read this, and more so enjoy it, or get something from it. Stay tuned…


Thoughts after midnight

So its 12:11 and as per usual I cant sleep. You know what im obsessing about?? This blog. I keep thinking how I should organize it, what thoughts I wanna get out there, am I being ridiculous even doing this? I mean who cares what I think or feel or have to say? I have been thru so much in my 36 years of life so far, not all of it has been great, some of it has been amazing, but at the end of everyday, I always think that there has to be someone out there in this large world dealing with similar things, feeling like they are all alone and wishing that someone else understood them. I guess this is my space to put all my thoughts and experiences down and hope that somewhere out there will read it and say “hey me to!” And I will have made their day a little better or less lonely.  That would  make my day because at very least im not alone in how im feeling or thinking.

So heres your first bit of randomness floating around my brain, I am a happily married woman. I love my husband. He’s my best friend, my rock, my partner on adventures, my biggest supporter and encourager. He has spent the majority of the 4 years we have been together and 3 years we have been married helping push all my broken pieces together. He is the only person in this world who knows the entire story of me being raped when I was 16. I was a very independent person and free spirit before I met him, but rather quickly it got easier and easier to feel safe and secure in his arms and in our relationship and I started to become more codependent and settled. I genuinely enjoy spending my free time with him, he gets me, I get to be me no matter what im dealing with. If im having a bad day with my anxiety, I dont have to come up with 5 excuses why I cant do something I just say my anxiety is bad today and he says ok and we hide out at home. If im depressed I just tell him and he gets it and spends his time trying to make me feel better. Whatever mood im in he just allows me to be me and he doesnt judge or tell me how I should feel or how to deal with it. Its so absolutely freeing.

I havent had an identity most of my life cause I havent lived my life in the order i probably should of or made the choices that I should have.  So I think that people feel like because I love spending time with my husband then he’s controlling me. Telling me what i can and cant do or who i should or shouldn’t hang with. He’s not like that, I just like being with someone who allows me to be me, no matter what that means. I love my friends and they all appear to understand when things happen and I cant hang out but im sure it gets annoying rarely ever keeping plans ive made. I love my little sister with all my heart and love spending time with her as well, she is probably the only other person besides my husband who just goes with the flow on my moods and such, but even she, I imagine gets annoyed by my anxiety issues. Maybe she doesnt, maybe she gets it. Our relationship is strong, but we are polar opposites and I feel like people in our family (our mother) has pinned us against each and compared us with each other for so many years that in the back recesses of our mind we sort of subconsciously do the same thing and then have these opinions of what the other person is thinking about us. Even though she is being genuinely supportive and understanding, I would be thinking that she is probably thinking I need to shake it off and stop with the anxiety shtick.

I hate my own inner monologue when it comes to this anxiety and I know how people feel about it in general “its all in our minds” “we just need to shake it off” so I put what negative thing I know people have expressed (not my sister, just people in general) and impose those things on people who have never expressed that opinion of me. Its as if I am ashamed of my own anxiety. Its just part of who I am, ive been living with it so long and medication makes it worse not better, so why cant I just do what works for me and live my life? Why cant I just say, I have anxiety and its outta control today, sorry I cant do what we planned? See, this is where I need someone in the universe to give me some points of view on my thought process… its a rabbit hole. A never ending negative rabbit hole. It just makes my depression worse. And with that I say, if you suffer from anxiety and depression I empathize. I will lay awake till 3-4 in the morning sometimes just having these thoughts. Trying to justify my feelings. There’s no point to it, but it seems to be unavoidable. Anyways, enough rambling for now. Hope someone understands what im saying. I wish i could say that this blog wont be endless nights of rambling, but then look at the title….

Stay tuned…