I had this epiphany today while having a small difference of opinion with the husband, he told me that he has to start traveling more, four days a week three weeks a month. I was not mad at him, he is just doing his job, providing for his family. While i am having a frustratingly difficult time to locate work for myself (employers tend to be a bit quick to judge when your work history has a lot of gaps because you were a stay at home mom or caretaker of family members) he is the main bread winner. So although i completely understand that he needs to be doing what his job requires, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still upset me that I am married to a man I adore, who is never home. As I was sitting there listening to him express frustration, the epiphany hit me, I am not mad at him, or his job requirements, I am upset because I identify myself as his wife and my kids mother, but that is it. I have spent so many years being a stay at home mom, caretaker, and now housewife as well, that I have never really had a chance to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. Yes I am in school to get my Masters in Psychology, but I am still not completely sure what I want to do with my degree once I am done.
I realized that the one friend that I talked to on a somewhat regular basis but no longer associates with me anymore, probably is because I was putting my lack of identity on them with expecting them to fill the silence when my husband was traveling and my kids at their grandma’s house. That wasn’t fair because work, marriage and kids is their life too. I have spent so many years identifying myself as things that aren’t an identity, rape, depression, anxiety, wife, mother….I am Kelly.. That’s my identity. I am a person, and yes I have been through things and have accomplished things but those aren’t my identity.
So once that sort of sank in, I told my husband to hush and listen to me for a minute, and I explained to him that I was sorry, I was mad about the wrong thing. I explained my epiphany and I now know what it is that I have to do. I have to volunteer in my free time, write in my free time, keep trying to find someone to give me a shot at employment, take up hobbies I have always put off because I had three babies I was chasing around, make new friends that I can socialize with…..I need to figure out my identity and let those things complete me so that I can be a happier more stable version of myself for my kids and my husband and myself.
I would say I wish I had figured this out sooner, but I don’t think that it would have meant the same before now. For the moment, It’s time to figure out me.