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Filling in the blanks

I have been struggling with the context for my next blog post. I have had a lot of things that have happened recently, and I really have felt it on my soul to write about quite a few different parts of it all, but when I sit down to organize one thought process it all comes out in one jumbled ball of rambling. So after many attempts at trying to streamline just one subject matter, I thought maybe the best option would be to do a sort of filling in all the blanks post. Maybe once I spew it all out, then I can focus on one subject at a time. So excuse the crappy content for right now, but at times don’t we all need to just ramble a bunch of random ish out?

So as everyone who reads my posts or knows me knows that I deal with depression anxiety, I have three kids, two of which have their own things they struggle with. My husband travel’s a lot for work, so I spend a fair amount of time alone handling life. I am not complaining, he doesn’t really like the travel either, but it’s part of his job and his job is what provides a life for us. It doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard on him for always having to live out of hotels, or me having to basically be a single mother again and deal with everything here alone, or on us for all the time we miss together.

School just started again, we don’t do traditional school anymore, my kids are in a charter school situation that is part on site class and part home school. My daughter is 7th grade so she goes Monday and Wednesday for onsite classes, and the boys are 8th and 10th so they go Tuesday and Thursday for onsite classes. It has been beneficial to my kids with struggles, but it is also a lot more work on my end to organize things, make sure the IEP and 504 are in place and being properly accommodated, setting up speech therapy for my oldest, making sure they are all organized and staying on top of their assignments from week to week. We have to do math tutoring because my kids got my math skills LoL. They have been in school two going on three weeks and i have been doing a lot of communicating with teachers, meetings to get things organized and make sure each kids accommodations are being met.

Aside from that, I have been doing my own schooling, in my program I have to maintain a B average. That’s a lot of pressure for someone who dropped out of school at the age of 16 and then struggled through night school to get her diploma, my other programs really helped me to realize i am smarter then I thought I was BUT I still struggle academically at times and so the pressure of having to stick to that B average to be successful is really testing me. Especially when your focus isn’t just on school, I have kids, a husband, a house and errands and Im looking for a job, It all adds up to less time to focus and more effort of my part to maintain that B average. I am in my third class currently, and I have been able to get low A’s, high B’s.

My depression and anxiety have been real present lately, I have felt the pull to stay in bed with the covers over my head a lot more. It is so massively difficult just to get up and get through each day these days. I am doing it, but the effort it takes is exhausting. My therapy sessions have been real good and I am starting to feel like I am making a bit of progress. I have been utilizing as many tools and resources as I can that my therapist suggests, apps that i can use on my phone on the go, new breathing techniques, I even bought this new komuso breathing necklace. It was pricey and I debated it for quite some time because it seemed silly for the amount of money you were spending, but at the end of the day, if it helps ease my anxiety and makes it so that I can do things a bit more normally then it’s worth every penny. I just got it in the mail yesterday and haven’t really had to use it yet so I will eventually do a post on it, but i want to use it for a bit first. I am trying so hard to just keep pushing through the depression and anxiety, and I know that my husband HATES when I say this, but its the truth…. I am not suicidal but I definitely understand why a person dealing with the things that I do gets to that point. The level of effort that we have to put into doing normal things that come with ease to those who don’t deal with depression or anxiety…day in and day out… it gets to be exhausting and you just find yourself wondering if that effort in combination with the damage you assume you are doing to the people that choose to be in your life and deal with you….sometimes the thought is, why not save yourself the effort and save them the damage and just end it all.

So I have this friend, well I had this friend, we had been friends since middle school and this person was my favorite person in the whole world, my rock, the person that kept me surviving my teenage years, the first person i ever had feelings for. We eventually went our separate ways when this person went to college, and then one day this person found me again. Then this person and I started talking a lot more, they were going through a lot of similar life things as me. It was nice to have this person in my life again during these hard times. Then eventually this friend was busy with their family, job and life. I too was busy with family and life. We started talking less and less and then eventually I felt like maybe this friend had just moved on from me altogether. I got upset and tried to reach out to this friend. Nothing. Now I know this friend is a good person, but this friend left my life without a word and that hurts after so many years. I know this person is a busy person, but no one is ever so busy that they cant say “hey.” So after some thought and tears, I realized that I had to tell this friend my feelings with how they chose to deal with our friendship and then delete them from my life. It’s hard because of the history, but when I really think of it, this friend and I were really close when we were teenagers, and we were there for each other during a time when I really needed a friend, maybe more so this particular friend. But over time, I realize, we have grown up to be different people and maybe the purpose of this friend being in my life and being my friend is over and I need to just accept that people come into and go out of our lives for reasons. We may never get to know or understand those reasons but maybe we might. We don’t always get the closure we want, doesn’t mean that we can’t create our own closure and move on with our lives. I will always care for this friend and think about this friend because, 20 years is a long time to know someone, but here I am making my own closure.

Um, i think that is enough rambling about my life for now. I will focus on more specific subjects later on this week. I am slowly climbing out of my current depression and I am starting to feel the itch to write again. I hope that everyone hangs with me, I have lots to say.