So its 12:11 and as per usual I cant sleep. You know what im obsessing about?? This blog. I keep thinking how I should organize it, what thoughts I wanna get out there, am I being ridiculous even doing this? I mean who cares what I think or feel or have to say? I have been thru so much in my 36 years of life so far, not all of it has been great, some of it has been amazing, but at the end of everyday, I always think that there has to be someone out there in this large world dealing with similar things, feeling like they are all alone and wishing that someone else understood them. I guess this is my space to put all my thoughts and experiences down and hope that somewhere out there will read it and say “hey me to!” And I will have made their day a little better or less lonely. That would make my day because at very least im not alone in how im feeling or thinking.
So heres your first bit of randomness floating around my brain, I am a happily married woman. I love my husband. He’s my best friend, my rock, my partner on adventures, my biggest supporter and encourager. He has spent the majority of the 4 years we have been together and 3 years we have been married helping push all my broken pieces together. He is the only person in this world who knows the entire story of me being raped when I was 16. I was a very independent person and free spirit before I met him, but rather quickly it got easier and easier to feel safe and secure in his arms and in our relationship and I started to become more codependent and settled. I genuinely enjoy spending my free time with him, he gets me, I get to be me no matter what im dealing with. If im having a bad day with my anxiety, I dont have to come up with 5 excuses why I cant do something I just say my anxiety is bad today and he says ok and we hide out at home. If im depressed I just tell him and he gets it and spends his time trying to make me feel better. Whatever mood im in he just allows me to be me and he doesnt judge or tell me how I should feel or how to deal with it. Its so absolutely freeing.
I havent had an identity most of my life cause I havent lived my life in the order i probably should of or made the choices that I should have. So I think that people feel like because I love spending time with my husband then he’s controlling me. Telling me what i can and cant do or who i should or shouldn’t hang with. He’s not like that, I just like being with someone who allows me to be me, no matter what that means. I love my friends and they all appear to understand when things happen and I cant hang out but im sure it gets annoying rarely ever keeping plans ive made. I love my little sister with all my heart and love spending time with her as well, she is probably the only other person besides my husband who just goes with the flow on my moods and such, but even she, I imagine gets annoyed by my anxiety issues. Maybe she doesnt, maybe she gets it. Our relationship is strong, but we are polar opposites and I feel like people in our family (our mother) has pinned us against each and compared us with each other for so many years that in the back recesses of our mind we sort of subconsciously do the same thing and then have these opinions of what the other person is thinking about us. Even though she is being genuinely supportive and understanding, I would be thinking that she is probably thinking I need to shake it off and stop with the anxiety shtick.
I hate my own inner monologue when it comes to this anxiety and I know how people feel about it in general “its all in our minds” “we just need to shake it off” so I put what negative thing I know people have expressed (not my sister, just people in general) and impose those things on people who have never expressed that opinion of me. Its as if I am ashamed of my own anxiety. Its just part of who I am, ive been living with it so long and medication makes it worse not better, so why cant I just do what works for me and live my life? Why cant I just say, I have anxiety and its outta control today, sorry I cant do what we planned? See, this is where I need someone in the universe to give me some points of view on my thought process… its a rabbit hole. A never ending negative rabbit hole. It just makes my depression worse. And with that I say, if you suffer from anxiety and depression I empathize. I will lay awake till 3-4 in the morning sometimes just having these thoughts. Trying to justify my feelings. There’s no point to it, but it seems to be unavoidable. Anyways, enough rambling for now. Hope someone understands what im saying. I wish i could say that this blog wont be endless nights of rambling, but then look at the title….